If you ask parents about some of the most difficult times raising a child, many would agree it was when their child was a teenager. Many teenagers appear to be more rebellious and likely to engage in all kinds of risky behavior, which really gives parents a challenge. There are many types of problems that parents can have with their teens and below are a few.
Common Teen Issues
- consistent conflict with parents/peers
- openly disrespectful
- manipulative behavior
- sneaking out or breaking curfew
- using drugs
- not following house rules
- not appearing to care for family or school/work
- stealing
- sexual activity
- self-harm
My teen is having issues, now what?
When these behaviors appear in our teens we have many different options for how we wish to handle them. If you as the parent wish to address these behaviors, there are some general guidelines to know first. When dealing with these types of behaviors:
- There is no one single parenting style that would prevent any of the above issues from occurring. When or if these issues occur, remember this does not mean your parenting style is wrong.
- Blaming yourself, your spouse, your teen, or anyone else will not change the behavior. In this sense the “blame game” is actually more harmful than helpful.
- Teens are sometimes unaware of the forces behind their own behavior and are not always able to understand why they partake in certain behaviors.
- Asking a teen “why” they are doing any of these behaviors will not likely provide any insight. It can also prevent further communication because they may feel defensive.
- All of these behaviors have the potential to be changed into more appropriate behavior.
Why is my teen doing this?
That is a common question parents ask when teens start to have problematic behaviors. The truth is that the “why” question is sometimes dangerous and extremely personal. For example, if I ask myself why my teen is using drugs, I may come up with all kinds of reasons. This could include parenting, their unresolved issues, lack of trying in school, friends, and many others. While these questions are common, asking your teen “why” will typically result in a “I don’t know”. This response is typical because when we break down a behavior and ask ourselves why we do something, it is extremely personal.
Questions we ask ourselves: Why do I yell at my kids, why do I eat unhealthy, why can’t I control my anger, why do I get so upset, why don’t I have the energy and so on. If you start to think about some of your answers, honestly, even for these few questions, they can become very personal. The same is true with teens. Sometimes, they are not at a secure enough place in their identity to communicate any issues they are having. Even more common, is that a teen does not know why they do, what they do. Many teens are just used to doing, not always thinking through actions and consequences. In this case, the “why” questions would start seeming more like an attack than an attempt to understand – especially if their behavior is not acceptable.
These are a few reasons that looking at the “why” in the teen’s behavior is not always the best place to start. It’s typically a way to make them defensive and less likely to engage in conversation.